my way

 Mommy-tomorrow you will have been gone for five long years. five years. so much you have missed.  so much we have missed without you.  when david and i were planning your service i had little cards made with a gorgeous photo of you laughing at my wedding.  at the bottom of the photo i had the words "I did it my way"-because you loved Frank Sinatra and it was true-you did. so, because it's late, Ill just print the lyrics to that famous sinatra song that truly does sum you up. you lived an incredibly full life despite a few regrets, and always did it on your terms...we miss you terribly.

 My Way


And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Sip & Support!

Katie's Clinic is lucky to have some great friends who think outside the box.  Katie Shaffer, of Toolbox Wine Co. (founded and run by women!) is doing a very special thing-offering a huge discount on cases of wine- her 2007 Napa Valley Merlot (Mi-anti) and her 2008 Dry Creek Valley Sauvignon Blanc-for $100 per case ($192 regular price).  This includes FREE shipping to CA, NV and AZ -PLUS-she will donate $10 per case to Katie's Clinic!  Check the website for more info and how to order HERE!!

too much to say that nothing comes out

I can't tell you how many times I have opened up the "write a new post" section of my blog and then just sat there and looked and...nothing.
usually that means I have too much to say and cannot formulate anything cohesive enough for a post. It has almost been a month since I posted last and I have had several ideas for great posts but just never put them down. Im trying to come up with some cool way to convey it all and I just cant.  Im tired.  So it's time for a list.  Here are the highlights-or lowlights-of the last 3-4 weeks:

• attended a great girls night dinner for one of my best friends-we ended up making it kind of a late night and I loved every minute of it.  Girls took cabs home.  It was an epic Wednesday night.
• the following night I attended my monthly book club-you know the book club that started off with books but now 9 or so years later we just like to hang out and eat good food and drink good wine.  I love these girls and every moment I get to spend with them.
• Took BART to the city to have dinner with Red's brother and his girlfriend at her awesome place.  We had a great meal and a great time.
• Went for an overnight trip with Red just north of San Francisco and had a blast.  I love those times.  Necessary.
• Got into it with the AAC specialist about getting this eye gaze stuff moving forward.  I yelled and then cried and then cried again.  We should have a device if all goes according to plan, by early summer.  Keep your fingers crossed.
• The following week I hopped on a plane headed to North Carolina.  A really good friend of mine got married and I wasnt going to miss it. I traveled with two other girls that I had the best time with.  We flew together and roomed together and it was so much fun.  The wedding was beautiful and so was Chapel Hill.  
• Finished an awesome book "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks" on the flight home. Part of the true story tells about Henrietta's young daughter who was committed to a hospital for the "negro insane".  She had epilepsy and did not speak-she also had repetitive hand mouthing stereotypies. (I am convinced she had Rett syndrome-but this was back in the late 40's early 50's when they didnt know about Rett...or disability really.)  She was sent to this awful place.  It was heart wrenching to read about the conditions there and the medical experiments they did on these poor children.  She was there from age 5 until her death at age 15. My heart was breaking and it made me think how lucky Avery is to be with us, in this time. But, it also made me think about how much better I can do for her.  How I can't take my frustrations out on her about things she has no control over.  It was a major revelation for me.  I told Avery I would do better.  I have apologized to her countless times before-and I know she understood me because we had a fantastic week together after that.  It is still hard for me-but Im trying my best.  It is hard for me to admit that I struggle so much with the grinding and hand slapping and yelling and screeching.  But I do.  Im working on it, every day.
• We had dinner with Red's aunt and uncle who are like my second parents (I have known them since I was three) and we had a wonderful time catching up with them-as well as a wonderful dinner. So thankful to have them in my life!
• Attended a Fashion for Compassion Event a Nordstrom -a champagne buffet breakfast/fashion show and personla styling event.  It was really cool! And the best part-proceeds went to Katie's Clinic.  
• Avery had two great hippotherpay sessions in a row.  We switched horses-now she is riding Annie and I think she really clicks with her.  She giggled through both sessions! 
• Nolan had an awesome playdate with Barb, her friend Carole and Carole's grand daughter Olivia! They too BART to SF and had a lunch/park date!  So fun!
• Superbowl sunday was so much fun. Went to a great party with great friends and I drank a great amount of alcohol.  I got a little out of hand but nothing too embarrassing. 
• I am feeling increasingly amazed and lucky that I have such a wonderful job.  Being at Katie's clinic really is a dream job for me.  I love seeing the families transform from morning to afternoon.  You can almost see a calm come over them-or a release-or relief.  I remember feeling it myself.  I think we can say we are unique in the fact that families almost always ask: "So, when do we GET to come back?".  We are doing a good thing.  A very good thing and Im seriously honored to be a part of it.  When people ask me "how is work?" I can honestly say "I LOVE IT".
• And all the while, Nolan has been keeping us laughing with his funny sayings and dance moves.

That's all for now.

done with the hospital/ER for a while!

less than three weeks after our trip to the ER with Nolan, we headed there with Avery.  last wednesday Avery was sneezing and had a runny nose.  nothing too crazy.  I ignored it as I usually do.  By Friday I was wondering if I should send her to school but I did anyway.  She made it through school and was fine until Saturday when she started to have some shallow breathing.  We waited it out and she did ok overnight-but by Sunday morning, her quick shallow breaths were accompanied by little moans and we knew it was time to get to the ER. 

We had JUST received her new insurance card (Medi-Cal changed recently and we are on a new health plan through them) and I wasnt sure where they would send us.  I called the advice nurse and she did suggest we take her in. She said we could go to the county hospital, but then said-oh! you can also take her to John Muir.  John Muir is one of the best hospitals in the area so I quickly said that is where we would go.  We woke Nolan up and put the kids in the car in their jammies.  We were seen right away (it was about 6:45am by the time we got there). 
 
poor little sweet girl.  Her pulse/ox level was about 90 when we got there and they said it should be like 98.  So we were right to bring her in.  they did a chest xray right away and started her on a breathing treatment. that helped a ton and you can see she perked up once Gramma got there!

We spent the better part of the day in the ER.  Gramma came to see us.  Red took Nolan home to get dressed and brought coffee and food back.  Once we found out we would be there a while we mentioned to the Dr that we needed some beer-playoff football was on!  He made it clear it was fine with him!  So later, Red went and got some!  Parents of the year! When our nurse saw the beer she said "is that really a beer?" and I said "yes"-she then says "you guys are AWESOME!".  yep.


We had a great ER doc, and the ER pediatrician was fine too.  I liked him until he tried to teach me about Rett syndrome and he was just so off base!  We had fabulous nurses, pulmonary specialists and lab techs.  Getting her IV in was a little rough and asking for "restraints" was strange but other than that it was a good experience. They started her on IV antibiotics and continued breathing treatments.  She wasnt doing well without supplemental oxygen and we were admitted.  Nolan
 was a big help with the breathing treatments. 

Our room on the pediatric floor was really nice.  We were in the brand new wing of the hospital-it almost felt like a hotel-until I pulled out the "guest bed".  Ouch.  I sent Red home at least twice to get me some things and never once thought to have him bring my own pillow!  Huge mistake.  Either way, trying to sleep in a hospital room is no fun-every time I got "comfy", an alarm would sound, or Avery would cough, or she would move, or someone would walk in.  I think I got about 3 hours. 


On Monday morning, Avery's auntie Tara came to see us before her shift started-at 6:30!  And she brought me coffee!  Glorious!  We had great nurses again and continued breathing treatments every 2 hours.  We had no idea what the plan was.  Finally our newly assigned pediatrician came to see us.  He was cool.  He said something that sounded like we might stay ANOTHER night and I must have given him a look-because he quickly said "let's see how she does by this afternoon!".  Once she was awake and had breakfast, she was back to normal.  We got her up and moving, got the IV disconnected-with a small snafu in between: her IV had a clot in it and there was a 5 minute period when we had 3 nurse working on her and she was screaming and I was laying next to her shushing her and telling her it was ok.  But other than that, she was back.  She ran around the room, yelled and grinded and yelled some more.  She was back.  Next thing I know we get on the phone with the new Ped and he says we can go!  Gramma had come and brought me lunch and we waited to get our final papers.  I was so glad to get out of there.  Being in the hospital is like a time warp.  You know the days are passing but for some reason it feels like they all roll into one...or something.  I have a new appreciation for families that spend weeks and months in the hospital with their kids.  Those are super parents.  Those parents are my heroes. 

We got home and got her on her swing.  Mom showered and went to bed early.  Kept her home from school today so we could get some sleep.  I would say its a full recovery. Thanks for all the texts and facebook love! xxoo

emergency!

We thought for sure Nolan would make a trip to the ER before he turned 3, but he waited till two days after christmas (age 3 years 2 months).  Remember that trampoline that Santa brought?  He took a little tumble off of it at around 4:30 on Tuesday the 27th.  He came running to me crying saying he hit his head.  I picked him up and put my hand where he said he hit it....and it was wet.  with blood.  I freaked a little.  Called Red.  Luckily he was 5 minutes away and came right home.  We all piled in the car and took him to the ER.  Red went in with him to get him checked in.  I took the car and Avery to park.  We went in after a while and waited with Nolan while Red went with Avery to get food.  Nolan looked so funny after being seen by triage and was having a good time.  We had pretty much told him he would need stitches or staples and told him both of our own staple stories. (Red had 4 in his head and I had countless after both C-sections).


Then gramma came to wait with us.  We got called back.  We waited some more.  The sweet nurse came in and told us we would have to wait some more because they were very busy.  But, it didnt look anything like the Grey's Anatomy ER!  No one was running!  There were barely any people there! 

So we finally see the Dr and he confirms that he will need staples.  Then he tells Nolan that the novocaine shots will feel like bee stings.  Nolan is still being brave.  He did try to escape a few times saying he was done and his boo boo was healing up. We try to hold him down for the shots but between me and gramma we cant keep him still enough.  The nurse comes in and for a few minutes Nolan SCREAMS bloody murder.  But then the novocaine takes effect and he doesnt even flinch for the staples. 

Red took him today to get his staples out and he didnt even cry!  Got two stickers and was such a champ.  Here he is once he got back with less hardware in his scalp.  A few minutes later he said "mommy, i need a peanut butter cup because I was so brave!"  He got one.

Road Trip!

We were invited up to visit a lovely cabin in Miranda Ca the day after Christmas.  Sarah's (Red's brothers girlfriend) parents, Cathy and Don, have a cabin there right near a beautiful river.  It is about 4 hours away so it was a little nutty of us to try to do this in one day.  But, I wanted to try it.  I wanted to do something that a family with typical kids might do.  So, we got up early, packed up and left with gramma and the kids.  Three stops later, we got there around 11:45am.  What a beautiful location!  We were greeted by four dogs which the kids loved.  We went in and started on some mimosas!  We had a lovely lunch on the deck (homemade tomato soup and homemade pizza), then walked down to the river.  Uncle MT tried out his new fishing waders and showed Nolan how to fish.  Nothing was biting as the river is very low.  Avery had a blast trying to walk into the water and laughing at us as we chased her back from the shore.

We went back up to the cabin and relaxed for a bit before heading to Founders Grove-a beautiful section of Humboldt State Park with the most glorious Redwoods.  It was a little excursion that Ill remember forever.  It is one of those things I would shy away from because of Avery.  Of course, she loved it and was so good.  She enjoyed running through the forest on the soft pine needles, through the fine mist that was making her hair curlier and curlier.  We went inside trees, Nolan climbed on logs and jumped off of them.  I took a million pictures.  It was lovely.  A lovely day with lovely people who all accept Avery for who she is-which is always a gentle reminder for me to do the very same. I love it when that happens.

christmas day 2011

Christmas morning came and Avery was up and ready to go.  Nolan was another story. Too many late nights had tuckered him right out.  We had to wake him up.  I wish I had a picture of his face when we said "Nolan! Wake Up! Santa came!" He was puzzled for a split second, then leapt from the bed and ran into the living room so fast I didnt have a chance to get the camera!  He and Avery both had looks of wonder on their faces.  Nolan checked out the trampoline first, then noticed the plate of cookies and carrots.  He really inspected it! They liked their gifts-I think Nolan's favorite was the M&M's in his stocking!  Glad we didnt buy too many toys!

After we opened presents here we went to gramma's like we always do.  There were more presents there, mimosas, gin fizzes and breakfast.  The kids loved opening more gifts and especially the huge blow up slide gramma and poppa gave them!  They had a blast on it-until some dog poo got in the mix and then it was time to go!

We then went to Red's aunt and uncles for dinner in Danville.  So much fun.  It is my 11th Christmas out here in California and am so lucky to have all these wonderful people to spend it with.  I unfortunately didnt get any photos.  But I assure you we had a blast.  And a delicious meal.

We had to head home and get to bed because we were planning to wake up early the next morning to drive up north to visit with Red's brother's girlfriends parents who have a cabin on a lake!  That will be my next post!